As I sat down today at my desk, inspired by yet another Daily Fire audio from one of my favorite mentors, Brendon Burchard, I began my pre-work ritual. I set my intention for the day by lighting my intention candle, reflecting on what I wanted to feel today, and setting goals for my long to-do list. I then drew an affirmation card, a habit I started a few years back to spark inspiration and motivation.
Today’s card read...
"Don't Let People Who Don't Matter Too Much Matter Too Much"
~ a quote by Wes Moore
It's serendipitous that I drew this card today as I'm finalizing the materials for my next "Awaken" workshop for moms. The topic? Judgment and comparison and their impact on our identity. This also inspired me to write a blog about my own struggles with these themes.
I've often reflected on how judgment and comparison have impacted my life, my identity as a woman, and a mother. I’ve noticed that the harshest judgment often comes from other women. This isn’t to say that men don’t engage in judgment and comparison, but it seems more prevalent among women, or maybe men are just better at hiding it?
Judgment and comparison have significant impacts on our mental health, and their effects can be detrimental. My own story of battling with them has been long and hard, creating a deep sense of fear, shame, and significant insecurities, especially in motherhood. Do you know the saying that people will forget what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel? Well, I know all too well how I felt when I was judged many times by some of my favorite people in the world, and I can tell you this much: I never want to make anyone else intentionally feel that way again.
A few years ago, when I decided to quit my job as the director of a small nonprofit, a family member made a comment that cut deep. She said, “It's about time you accepted that you should just be a stay-at-home mom.” Not so subtly, she implied that I had failed as a working mom because I was working long hours and not making enough money, or at least equal to what my husband was making, to justify being away from home.
Her words felt like a punch to the gut. I had been struggling with balancing work and home life,feeling like I was barely keeping my head above water, already overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and failure. Her judgment made me question every aspect of my life and my worth as a mother and a professional.
I essentially gave up on having a professional life. When opportunities did come, I declined them one after another. This also made me, in return, more judgmental of others. When I finally found the courage to venture back into the working world, I constantly held myself back from going all in because of the fear of judgment, especially if I failed.
I understand how challenging the process can be to release oneself from the weight of judgment and comparison because I myself am on this journey and have been for several years. While I can tell you from my own personal experience that you don’t completely rid yourself of these feelings, when you do the work and become aware of the triggers that bring on those actions to you—and for each one of us it's different—you do become incredibly skillful at avoiding them whenever possible. When not, you learn how to talk yourself oİ the ledge essentially.
Being able to admit to yourself that you have danced in this game a time or two, or more often than you care to admit, is the first step. The second is to find out why. For me, it was a combination of a few things, as it is for most women. It was a combination of what I saw growing up, the dialogue I heard, my environment and circumstances in life, and most importantly, the company I kept. Becoming aware of this helped me become razor-sharp on what my triggers were.
This, in return, helped me cultivate my plan of attack to combat those and minimize these triggers in my life. It also allowed me to give myself grace and treat myself with more self-compassion and kindness when I faltered, which does happen from time to time, though significantly less since I started working on myself. It held me accountable, ensuring I always apologized to the person on the receiving end of my judgment to ensure that was not the feeling I was leaving them with.
I found dealing with the act of comparison much easier than judgment. When I started introducing gratitude into my life and practiced a form of it daily, it helped me curb the nasty habit of thinking the grass is always greener on the other side. It also shifted my focus to all that was beautiful and good in my life, keeping me more connected and grounded to myself and leaving me very little time to wonder about who might have it better.
Practical Steps to Combat Judgment and Comparison:
1. Self-Reflection: Regularly take time to reflect on your thoughts and behaviors. Journaling can be a powerful tool to understand the root causes of your judgments and comparisons.
2. Limit Social Media Exposure: Social media can be a breeding ground for judgment and comparison. Set boundaries for your social media use and curate your feed to include only positive and inspiring content.
3. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to seek support from trusted friends, family, or professional counselors. Sometimes, talking through your feelings can provide clarity and relief.
Final Thoughts
As mothers, we juggle countless responsibilities, often placing immense pressure on ourselves to meet unrealistic standards. It's time to break free from the cycle of judgment and comparison. Remember, you are more than enough, just as you are. Embrace your unique journey, and let Destination Thrive be your companion in designing a life you love. Together, we can create a world where mothers feel empowered, valued, and supported. Join us at Destination Thrive and take the first step towards a more fulfilling and balanced life.
Research Insights
Judgment: Research from Iowa State University highlights that mothers often face judgment driven by stereotypes about being stay-at-home or working mothers. This judgment can affect their interpersonal dynamics and self-esteem, leading to stress and negative self-perception *(ScienceDaily).
Comparison: According to Pew Research, mothers often feel less satisfied with their roles and the division of household responsibilities compared to fathers. This dissatisfaction can stem from constant comparisons with societal norms or other parents, exacerbating feelings of inadequacy and stress *(Pew Research Center).
Psychological Factors: Women are generally more conscientious and sensitive to social evaluations than men, leading to higher levels of self-criticism and judgmental behavior towards others *(Psychology Today).
*References
ScienceDaily. (2019). Mothers face judgment driven by stereotypes about being stay-at-home or working mothers. Retrieved from ScienceDaily
Pew Research Center. (2021). For American couples, gender gaps in sharing household responsibilities persist amid pandemic. Retrieved from Pew Research Center
Psychology Today. (2020). 6 subtle psychological differences between men and women. Retrieved from Psychology Today
For additional resources and to join our community, visit Destination Thrive. Let’s thrive together!
Embracing the Journey
Reclaiming our identity beyond motherhood doesn't mean diminishing the value of our role as mothers. Instead, it signifies a commitment to becoming more whole, content, and engaged individuals, capable of embracing the challenges of motherhood with renewed vigor and perspective.
This expedition is not just about self-discovery; it's about modeling a life of balance, fulfillment, and resilience for our children. By nurturing our own identities, we teach our children the importance of self-care, personal growth, and the pursuit of individual passions.
Your Next Step
Ready to take the next step towards designing a life you love? Subscribe, follow, and join us
at Destination Thrive. Together, we're not just surviving motherhood; we're thriving In It.
Comments